The First 90 Days, with Dr. Lois Frankel – Episode 509 of The Action Catalyst Podcast

Dr. Lois Frankel, renowned executive coach, bestselling author, and psychologist, shares practical career development strategies for professionals seeking to build influence, confidence, and leadership presence during their first 90 days on the job. She emphasizes the importance of building strong workplace relationships, developing a personal brand, adding visible value, and mastering communication techniques such as “headline communication” to project confidence and credibility. Dr. Lois Frankel also explores common career obstacles including imposter syndrome, workplace visibility, corporate gaslighting, and the tendency to over-apologize, offering actionable guidance on self-advocacy, executive presence, networking, feedback, and professional growth.

About Dr. Frankel:

Dr. Lois Frankel is an executive coach, keynote speaker and bestselling author of the “nice girls” series, which includes Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, Nice Girls Don’t Speak Up or Stand Out and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It. Her media appearances include Larry King Live, The Today Show, 20/20, Tavis Smiley, People magazine, Women’s World, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.

Frankel has worked with corporate giants around the globe, including Amgen, BP, Microsoft, the Walt Disney Company and the World Bank. She is the recipient of the Los Angeles County Commission on Women’s Woman of the Year Award and Maybelline New York’s Women Who Empower through Education Award. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California and received an honorary doctorate of humane letters from Phillips Graduate Institute.

Learn more at DrLoisFrankel.com.

The Action Catalyst is presented by the Southwestern Family of Companies. With each episode, the podcast features some of the nation’s top thought leaders and experts, sharing meaningful tips and advice. Learn more at TheActionCatalyst.com, subscribe below or wherever you listen to podcasts, and be sure to leave a rating and review!

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(Transcribed using A.I. / May include errors):

Dr Lois Frankel
Hi, Stephanie.

Stephanie Maas
I’m such a dork, but I’m super excited to meet with you. By trade, I work with an executive search firm and have my entire career. So hearing your perspective is especially intriguing.

Dr Lois Frankel
Well, thank you. And working for an executive search firm, so much of this comes into play, doesn’t it? When you’re placing people, it’s that non-technical stuff that’s going to trip people up every time.

Stephanie Maas
100% One of the things that you’re referenced is speaking to the importance of the first 90 days on the job.

Dr Lois Frankel
The first 90 days, you know, there’s that old saying: “You never get a second chance to make a good first impression. Well, nothing is more true than your first 90 days on the job. So, there’s a couple of things that you have to do that are easy to overlook. The first one is you start building relationships on day one because it’s the relationships that are going to serve you well throughout your career, not just your time there, but throughout your career. So when you think about it, when we have a relationship with someone, we’re always willing to cut them slack, to give them more information, to somehow engage with them on a different level than with people we don’t have a relationship with. Now, the problem for newcomers to the workplace is that sometimes they think those relationships are supposed to be deeply personal, and when I talk about building a relationship, I’m talking about building a warm collegial relationship. So that means you get to know people, what’s important to them, who are they. Sometimes this happens through doorway conversations, on conversations to and from the garage for people who are working remotely. It happens before the meeting actually starts. Get on there early so that you can have a little bit of casual conversation. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it also gives you it gives you the latitude to ask for certain things. So later in your career, that’s where you want to take advantage of those relationships in the beginning, it’s just about building them. One of the things that I say is when you need a relationship, it’s too late to build it. So that’s number one. The second thing is you have to remember that you are an actor on a corporate stage, and like all actors, you need to know your part. You need to wear the costume. You have to say your lines well, right? And a lot of times, people who are new to the workplace say, “But that seems kind of phony. Oh, get over it. The fact is, we are all actors on a corporate stage. When you watch a movie or you watch a play, you don’t say, “Oh, they look phony. You think, you know, you think of somebody like Meryl Streep, right? She just absolutely inhabits the role. That’s what I think people need to do. Now, part of that is looking and sounding the part. So when when people say to me, “Yeah, but how should I dress? It’s a casual workplace, I say, “You look to the person who has the role that you want. You look to the person who has the role you might like to have. How does he or she dress? You know, how does he or she look? And most likely, that’s how you should look. Now there are exceptions to every rule. There are people who get to the top who don’t look the part? If you think that you can be the exception to the rule, fine. But otherwise, really look to who’s winning the game, and you need to be like them. In terms of the sound, there is a sound of success, and so you need to focus on how you are presenting your ideas. Every time you open your mouth, it’s a presentation, so you want to think carefully about it. For example, I’m using a model right now that’s called headline communication. You asked me a question. You said, “What about the first 90 days? I said, “There’s a couple.” Things you could do, and I started with relationships. I went to the look and sound, and then I have one other thing I’m going to add. That’s called headline communication. I know there are three things that I want to say. I will get those three things in, and then I will stop. That’s what it sounds like to sound confident. You answer a question directly, and you you give just as much information as needed to flesh out that answer. So headline communication, look and sound, and then the third thing I would say is, how are you going to add value? That’s why you’re hired. You are hired to add value, not just do a job. can remember very early in my career, I had a a summer job writing job descriptions, and at the end of the summer, I had finished the jobs, but I thought I’d still like to work here. I sent my boss a letter that said, “As I’ve been working here, I see three things that you need help with, and I listed those three things, and I said I would love to stay and be part of making those three things a reality in this workplace. He hired me because he said that’s exactly what I want: somebody who’s going to see what needs to be done and is not afraid to go do it. That’s how you add value in your workplace to really be an invaluable part of your workplace.

Stephanie Maas
Okay, I really want to pull on this string-the feeling that people say, “Hey, this is inauthentic. How do you bridge that gap between it feels inauthentic to I got the job, I deserve the job. I can add value to the job. Anything you can speak to bringing those together.

Dr Lois Frankel
Yeah, you know, to me there is no such thing as imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome sounds like a disease, doesn’t it? I suffer from imposter syndrome, and you know, and what’s the drug or the medication I need to take to get over this? I want you to turn that into. Of course, I’m going to be uncomfortable doing things I haven’t done before. If you learn any new skill, whether it’s playing piano, learning golf, learning to play tennis, you know, do you say I’m an imposter on the golf course? No, I’m learning something new, and as such as I learn new things. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and I’m going to make mistakes. But there is confidence and comfort that comes with repetition. If I can figure out why you’re uncomfortable, then I can help you do it with authenticity. And I’m not asking you not to be your most authentic self. You know, if the fact is is that you’re kind of a shy person? I’m not going to say don’t be shy. You know that’s who you are. You bring who you are to work. At the same time, there are little things that you can do that will mitigate the negative effect that that shyness may have on your career overall. So, for example, I may say, you know, join a professional association and volunteer to be on the membership committee. People who are shy, they don’t necessarily like schmoozing with people, and you like doing all the cocktail stuff beforehand, and you know all that stuff. But if you’re on the membership committee, you have a role, and you get to meet everybody who’s coming in there, so you get to build relationships. So there’s small things that you can do that you won’t feel inauthentic, but will it feel uncomfortable at first? Yes. And any new thing that we try out feels uncomfortable at first. But don’t let it stop you.

Stephanie Maas
Yes. Okay. That pulls into the next question: creating and building visibility within a firm without the over the top. Walk me through what does that look like. How do you do that in the right way?

Dr Lois Frankel
There’s a few small things you can do, especially in the first 90 days. The rules are different in the first 90 days. I mean, this is really when you are gaining your credibility and you’re and you’re proving that you have a right to be here. So I might say something different three years down the road. But for the first 90 days, number one, in every meeting, be among the first two or three people to speak. Maybe if if you’re really new to the job, maybe the fourth person to speak. I’m not saying be the first, because if you’re always the first out of the gate, people come to see you as a grandstander. However, whoever speaks earliest is seen as more self-confident. So be among the first three or four people to speak up in a meeting. Now, you may not have anything to add to the content because you’re new, or maybe you’re just learning here. Don’t be afraid then to to have your entree be something like, “Could I stop and ask a question for a second, just so that I understand exactly where we’re going with this? People are going to say, “Oh, she really or he really wants to, you know, be on board here.” You could also something else that you can do is you can amplify what someone else had to say. So if you and I are in a meeting together, Stephanie, and you know you make a point about whatever the topic is, if I say something like, you know, I would like to agree with what Stephanie said because in my experience, that’s exactly what’s happened when we’ve done that same thing in other organizations. Now, what I’ve done, not only have I gotten myself out on the table, right? I have also built an alliance because I affirmed what you have to say. So that’s one way to to establish your presence and credibility. Another thing is to volunteer to make presentations, most people go, “Oh my God, do I have to get up in front of a group? Well, you know where there’s an opportunity, and in the first 90 days, these are often rare, so you’ve really got to look for it. But volunteer to make a presentation. For example, if you were on a work committee that has to report back to the team. Maybe saying to the other people on the committee, “Would anybody have a problem if I made this presentation? Because I’d like to get some experience at it. You don’t sound like you’re grandstanding. It sounds like you’re asking for you to do something that’s going to help you. Most people are going to say yes. So when you volunteer to make a presentation, you get your face out there. The third thing that you can do is you go to the boss, and I would do this within maybe I wouldn’t do it in the first 30 days, but I might do it in the first 60 days, and go to the boss, and you say, “I’d like to get some feedback. Can you tell me what I could do more of to be more effective moving forward, could you tell me what I could do less of to be more effective moving forward, and can you tell me what you’ve seen me do that is working and I should continue doing? And you ask it in that very specific way, and the reason why I say that is because if you just say, “Can I have some feedback? You know, often people say you’re doing fine. That’s not helpful at all. But when you ask for behavioral feedback, what could I do more of? What could I do less of? What should I continue doing? You usually get behavioral feedback. Usually, if the boss has no feedback for you, you still get points for coming forward and saying, “I want to know how I can be better. So those are just three ways you can establish your presence. That’s what I think people have to do is take baby steps. It’s these small steps that eventually add up to big things. As we do one or two things more, other things just fall right into place.

Stephanie Maas
Okay, another kind of buzzword in the marketplace today is this idea of gaslighting. It’s more often used in personal relationships, but I’d love for you to shed some light on corporate gaslighting.

Dr Lois Frankel
Oh yeah, it happens all the time in the workplace, and it is so subtle. It’s easy to not get it, you know. In personal relationships, sometimes it’s easier to see. So, for those who don’t know what gaslighting is, gaslighting is when somebody says something that causes you to doubt your own reality. And it came from that movie Gaslight from the 1930s or 40s, where a man was gaslighting his wife to make her think she was going crazy, saying things that make you doubt your own reality. So, for example, the way it might happen is, and I’m just going to use a woman in this example. You know, a woman says to the boss, “You know, I’m ready to take on more responsibility, and I would like this particular assignment moving forward. And the boss says, “Well, do you really think you’re ready for that? The people who have done that in the past had more experience than you, right? Now you start to doubt. Well, maybe I really am not ready to do that. Or you give your opinion in a meeting, and someone says, “Well, you know, I don’t know that that’s really true because my experience is X, Y, Z. It’s not a matter of being true or not. It’s that you. It’s your reality. It’s your experience, and so you need to be able to counter those kinds of comments. And you may not be able to do it in the moment. That’s the other thing that I say to people. You know, as we learn to be better advocates for ourselves. The thing I often hear is, “Oh, I’m like a deer in the headlights. I I leave and I wish I had said whatever. And I say, “You can go back and say that. You know, in the moment you could say that doesn’t feel quite right to me, but let me give it some thought and get back to you. That’s what you could say in the moment. Or if somebody says, “I don’t think you’re quite ready for this job, you could say, “You know, I think I am, and let me just go back and make a better case, and come back to you and tell you why I am. What you don’t do is let the gaslighting make you move backwards. You don’t buy into it. In other words. If you have to walk away, come back and say, “I thought about what you said, and you thought I wasn’t ready for the job. Let me give you three ways in which I am. How that makes me better prepared than some other people when they accepted the assignment. Or if in a meeting somebody gaslights you and say, ‘Well, that isn’t quite true, because you know you could say I really appreciate your experience. At the same time, I trust in my experience, and let me explain it even further. What you don’t say is you just put me down, and that’s not okay to me. The phrase I think everyone should have in their repertoire is “Be that as it may. Be that as it may, is a nice way of saying basically “f you, right? You know, without putting them down, you say, “Be that as it may, let me tell you how I see it. Be that as it may, I still would like to get this from you.

Stephanie Maas
I love it. Okay, another one is how to ask questions, favors, anything that you need without invoking an apology. My sister calls me out on this all the time. I’m sorry is my first two words of just about every single sentence she says.

Dr Lois Frankel
Yeah, you know that whole thing about I’m sorry and apologizing are two things that women do much more than men, and part of it is you know it’s really hard to coach someone not to. It’s easier to coach someone to do something rather than not do something, right? So when you say you know I’m always apologizing, I guess I would say to you, what can you replace that apology with? And I’m actually asking you: Can you think of a situation in which you apologize that something else would be more appropriate?

Stephanie Maas
Okay, so let me give you a recent scenario. I think part of the problem is when you’re someone who says you’re sorry all the time, you truly believe you’ve done something wrong. I had an opportunity to do some recognition this week at work, and I wasn’t feeling great, and I just didn’t feel like I did it to the best of my ability. Now, I also am self-reflective enough to know they probably thought it was more than just fine, but of course, I had to go and say, “I’m sorry you didn’t get the recognition that you deserved. I wish I’d done a better job. I just want to own that with you. Again, I wasn’t asking for a favor, but I guess I kind of was saying, “Hey, just in case you picked up on that too, I just want to quickly. It’s a little bit different, but that’s the only thing that comes to mind.

Dr Lois Frankel
Okay, so there’s a good example of where you assume the worst, right? You assumed that people were going to notice this wasn’t up to par, and so what do you do? You give them the knife to stab you in the back with by saying, you know, I’m sorry. This just wasn’t up to par. Blah blah blah blah. My coaching tip for you would would have been to just not say anything. Or if you wanted to, a better way to do that would have been to ask for some feedback. Do you have any feedback about what I just said, or what do you think, or do you have any questions? And then I would just put it out to them to be able to say, Are there any questions, or could you have done something differently? And that would stop the apology. Don’t give people the knife. If you want feedback, ask for feedback or something else. You know, women will often apologize when they make a mistake. They’ll say, you know, I’m really sorry. You know, this didn’t turn out the way that I wanted. This wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. Don’t apologize because in our society we expect children to apologize. I mean, how often do you hear a parent say, “Say you’re sorry. So when we say that again, we’re acting as the child. Instead, just state the obvious. This didn’t turn out the way that it was supposed to. I know in retrospect what I did wrong, and I know what I’ll do differently next time. Period. That’s all people want to know. They don’t want to know you’re sorry. If you’ve made a mistake, you have to own it, but you don’t have to apologize for it. And owning it is about admitting that it happened, and people want to know that it won’t happen again, and that you’ve what you’ve learned from it. Here’s what I’ve learned, and here’s why it won’t happen again. And that sounds like an adult responding to a situation over which he or she feels badly. So you know, it’s about replacing the apology with something else, with something that’s more appropriate. I think as you become more conscious. You know, I tell people start counting the number of times during the day that you say I’m sorry, and start whittling that down to zero eventually. So I think consciousness is part of it also, but that’s a tough one. And again, I think it’s about replacing it.

Stephanie Maas
Okay, I hope you don’t bill me later for this therapy session. As we are getting near the end of our time, is there anything we haven’t touched on that you are hoping to?

Dr Lois Frankel
Let me think. For the first 90 days, I really do think it’s about creating your brand. I guess that’s the last thing that I’d like to talk about. That we’re all a brand in the workplace. There’s a word on the street about all of us. It’s what people say. About us when we walk out of a room, when we leave a conference room, when you know we leave a meeting, they may say it consciously, and they may or they may think it. You know, I was in enough succession planning meetings to know when people start talking about who should we promote or who should we give this job to, they’ve been making observations about you that they weren’t even conscious of at the moment, but all of a sudden it’s like you know, I don’t know that Stephanie’s ready for this next level because I’ve seen her in meetings shrink back and not speak up, and she needs to find her voice. Right, that might be something that someone would say. Well, you can beat people to the to the punch on that by saying, “What do I want people to say about me when I walk out of a room? That is your brand, and you create your brand by first of all writing down what do you want people to say. And I ask people to to fill in this blank. There goes someone who fill in the blank. There goes someone who knows what they’re talking about. There goes someone who is a real team player. There goes someone with a lot of confidence. I don’t care what it is. What’s ever important to you, and so this is what makes it authentic because it’s what’s important to you. And then the second part is how do you have to act in order to have people say that? It’s not enough to have people say I want them to say I know what I’m talking about. If I want people to say that, I better do the research. I better come prepared with data facts and figures. Another thing I can do is I could start circulating articles of interest on technical topics. There’s all kinds of things you can do, but people know us by our behavior, not by our intention. So my intention might be that somebody says she knows what she’s talking about. She’s warm and friendly, and she has a good sense of humor. I mean, those are three things that I want people to say about me after they hear me. And after you know all these years of building my brand, I’m pretty sure that’s what people would say, but I know it because of how I present myself, and that’s why it happens. So I want you know, in your first 90 days on the job, I want you to think about what is the brand that you want to follow you. People buy brands because they’re known, because they have cachet because they’re well marketed because they do focus groups. Your focus group is getting feedback. That’s why people buy brands, and you want people to buy your brand.

Stephanie Maas
So cool! This has been so meaty and so awesome. Thank you so much.

Dr Lois Frankel
Thank you so much, Stephanie. It was a pleasure speaking with you.