Managing Stress, Guilt and Overwhelm, with Carrie Wilkerson – Episode 165 of The Action Catalyst Podcast

Best-selling author, international speaker, award-winning podcaster, and media personality Carrie Wilkerson breaks down the biggest productivity mistakes people make, why balance is in the eye of the beholder and comparison is “suicide on an installment plan”, talks about playing to the “invisible audience”, and explains how you REALLY ARE the person in your photographs.

About Carrie:

Carrie Wilkerson is a best-selling author, international speaker and a sought-after television & radio personality.

Featured on CNN and Fox Business News, in Success & Entrepreneur magazines and named by Forbes as a top small business influencer, Carrie has consulted with Google and other business thought leaders on growth strategies, productivity and current trends.

Carrie loves showing people how to transform their lives, bodies, relationships and bank accounts. Whether you hang around for her tough-love, her hysterical no-filters humor or her big-as-Texas heart, she’ll inspire you and help you make a plan to be more productive and more profitable, without sacrificing your priorities.

Learn more at CarrieWilkerson.com.

The Action Catalyst is presented by the Southwestern Family of Companies. With each episode, the podcast features some of the nation’s top thought leaders and experts, sharing meaningful tips and advice. Learn more at TheActionCatalyst.com, subscribe below or wherever you listen to podcasts, and be sure to leave a rating and review!

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(Transcribed using A.I. / May include errors):

Host
Carrie Wilkerson, in the last several years or few years, she has become, you know, just one of the world’s I think most popular thought leaders. I mean, she’s a social media celebrity. She’s been on CNN and Fox News and just a whole bunch of really awesome stuff. And she’s the author of a book that is called the Barefoot Executive. And so, Carrie, welcome to the show.

Carrie Wilkerson
Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

Host
So can you tell me your story a little bit like how you got started, and how you ended up where you are now?

Carrie Wilkerson
Yeah, it’s a long story. But the fact is, when I was in seventh grade, I had a teacher who was in Zig Ziglar, Sunday school class, believe it or not. And so she studied with him every week, he created a junior high curriculum, because that’s when self esteem can be changed in kids. But it’s typically solidified in kids. And he created a self esteem curriculum for junior High’s it was not widely, widely adopted. So he was beta testing it with a few people in his Sunday school class. And I was blessed enough to be introduced to Zig Ziglar, the concept of stinking thinking and goal setting and creating your own life by what you think and changing your results by changing your mind. And that was seventh grade. So I remember that very distinctly. And then of course, I went through high school, I always was a little more positive than the average bear, I’d say. But then went to college after college started in my typical track, right, did some government work, did some corporate work taught in the education system, and then adopted two kids that changed my life literally overnight. And I said, I’m a smart girl, I have a lot of qualifications. I have these two kids that I’ve chosen to parent and I’ve chosen to bring into my house, they’ve had a rough start, I need to be here with them. However, there has got to be a way to make some money at home. And I started studying sales and guess whose name pops up again, Zig Ziglar, Zig Ziglar started studying leadership with John Maxwell. I started a Mary Kay career, which I was in Mary Kay sales for three years. And then I created a publishing company which served Mary Kay people on the leadership level, owned that for 10 years before I sold it so that I could pursue the Barefoot executive. And I would say the way I know people and the way I get connected is very intentionally have a list of things to accomplish in a certain amount of time, I have a list of people I choose to intentionally have in my circle. And then because we know how the brain works, that the brain seeks to solve problems that you give it when we think negatively or think, Oh, that’ll never happen, or I’ll never meet them, then your brain doesn’t look for reasons to make it happen. And so it believes you. But when you say I’m going to at some point work with Zig Ziglar, speak on stage with Zig Ziglar be endorsed by Dave Ramsey, you know, be noticed by John Maxwell, your brain goes to work to solve those things. And then when you physically and emotionally invest in opportunities to do so that’s when you become lucky. And I use lucky sarcastically because I don’t think anything I ever have done is lucky. But I’ve been very intentional. So that’s how I got in those circles. I was published by Thomas Nelson who publishes those guys. So they became aware of my work. And now I was on Dave Ramsey’s entre leadership show, he’s endorsed my book, and we have a lot of the same mutual friends, which leads to other mutual friends. But that’s how that happens. So I have intentional goals about places to speak, and companies to speak for and companies to work with sales forces, and then your mind goes to work, you know, in effective ways to make that happen.

Host
So let’s talk a little bit about productivity. What do you think are some of the mistakes that people are making when it comes to making the most out of their time every day?

Carrie Wilkerson
That’s a great question. I think we are too available. Bottom line is we are too available. Our ego insists that we be available at the touch of a text or Facebook or phone call or email. And we don’t guard our time and energy and space as well as we would if we had a physical office with a door on it. We take the office home with us. And for some of us that’s necessary at certain times. For some of us, we’ve sold ourselves the lie that that makes us more flexible. And that’s certainly true. I have four kids. And so sometimes at the playground, you know, I’m one of the moms probably that people try to shame on Facebook, like there was a mom that had her kids at the playground and she was staring at her phone the whole time. Well, that may be because I’m homeschooling my kids three days a week and so we took a break and they know that because I’ve been so available to them all morning, that that’s my like one hour that I’m going to need to answer emails and let them run off some energy so we can go back and get back to it, you know, so sometimes it does Let me be more flexible. But a lot of times we just feel like we have to be responding to the urgent because nobody can handle it like us. But unless you’re in an Oregon Business, a transplant business, a blood supply business, most of us are not in a life urgent situation thing where we can’t step away from availability for two or three hours. But what we’re seeing in brain research is that availability and electron connection, so internet connectivity, phone connectivity, actually functions with many humans, much like a hit of an addictive substance. So we literally have addicted our self to where we have shakes and tremors, or shortness of breath, when we are not, like have you if you’ve lost your phone around your house and then had a panic attack because of that, that you might have a problem, right? So I think that that’s part of it, we we are not guarding our availability, we are not turning selves off. And I’m not preaching and saying you’re not available enough for your kids, or you’re not available. And you know, I’m not saying there’s any magical balance, I’m saying we have to get over ourselves a little bit and step away, and put up a few more boundaries to protect our health or wellness, our energy, our capacity.

Host
There’s two sides. One is the ego of like, I need to be available for people they need me right now, I’m more important if I’m more available. But the other part that you brought up that I don’t think we talked as much about is, is kind of that guilt of like, you know, oh, you’re a workaholic or you’re never available. So how do you resolve that?

Carrie Wilkerson
Well, first of all, you that you got to not care as much people that are putting that in their own context, or projecting their own thoughts onto that, that can’t be my problem, that can’t be my business. One thing I love to say about balance, and success, just in general, is is in the eye of the beholder, meaning me, I get to define what balance looks like, for me, my balance is going to look different than your balance, I have four kids ranging from age nine to 21. One with special needs. We do a combination of private school, college, homeschool, and public school, we’re involved in theater arts and tumbling, and very active in our church life and immediate family, etc, etc. So mine is going to look different than yours. And that’s okay, we’ve got to quit expecting everyone to fit into a formula and judging them. If they don’t, we’ve got to worry more about the business and our own life than everybody else’s business. And that is for stop worrying about them judging, but then it also means we’ve got to stop comparing comparison will steal your joy, it’s suicide on the installment plan, it will defeat you every time, it will either defeat you or give you false pride. Period. So we’ve got to stop comparing where to stop looking at that woman on the playground and going well, at least I’m not checking my phone or playing Candy Crush while I’m on the playground. And then giving myself false pride because I’m more present and attentive. When the truth is, that woman might be working 50 hours a week away from home. And that’s the only time she has and that’s great. This other woman might be with her kids 24/7. And this is her only break. So we just have to stop the comparison and the judging. And we have to have the conversation with our kids that conversation with our spouse, our business partner, our co workers and say, what works for us what looks like peace and balance and joy for us. What helps me bring value into the world with our clients, co workers, Team employers, what does that look like? And then you have to be okay being judged. You know, I mean, if I was worried about being judged, I wouldn’t be online, I wouldn’t have pictures or videos or posts online. Because I know, I get so many private messages and texts and emails, that I can only imagine what the people are not saying because there are enough of them that are bold enough to say it. Right? We’ve just got to stop especially women to be to be fair, we’re judged even more than the men. And that’s not a martyr statement. It just is what it is statement. So we have to quit worrying about what the woman at the playground thinks that if she does make a comment, you can respond with grace, and say, This is what works for our family. Thank you for being concerned. I can see them and we have to be okay with that. We have to quit defending. We have to just go thank you for your feedback. We do what works for us. And there’s one more point that goes with that a lot of us are not doing something because we’re afraid of the invisible audience. So the invisible audience is a concept that starts when we’re preteens. So for instance, my nine year old could care less what other people think about how she dresses or what she does or what she eats or what she says she’s in this really great state of that once you hit like 11 And there’s this invisible audience of everybody will be laughing at me, Mom, don’t kiss me in front of my friends, what will they say it’s the invisible day. It’s the everybody it’s the everybody says When really, it was one kid that made some kind of snarky comment that may or may not even have been taken out of context. Well with social media and with our own self imposed narcissism and worry and fear of judgment because of how judgmental we are of everyone else. This is now carrying into adulthood, we I think we used to outgrow this, but now we carry around this invisible audience with us everywhere. And I think for a lot of us, it is sabotaging great work we can do or bold moves we can make or big asks, we can ask or creativity that we can express because we are pre judging, right? Those of us that have been in sales, or in ministry, we get that like, Oh, they’re not going to be open to that, or they’re not going to whatever we prejudge, so we’re familiar on those terms. But we’re like, Oh, nobody would like it, if I did that, or what would they say if I cut my hair that way or, and so we’re not doing this big work or playing full out because we’re so afraid of they have them. And so it kind of works both ways. Number one, we have to be okay with the fact that they’re judging when we are making some moves. But we also have to not be afraid to take those steps to speak up at the meeting at work to where the different color than you normally do or go to lunch with somebody that you see being shunned or whatever that is, I think many of us are depriving ourselves of our gifting of our unique ability to serve because we’re preemptively we’re preemptively stopping that judgment that may or may not even exist, the fear is because you’ve heard the one voice or the one person that raised their eyebrow or gallery that your fear. And we used to outgrow it because we hung out with adults. But now we’re online and people are so brave to be trolls and to be ugly and to to speak up that one negative book review out of 300 can sink you for days, like it invalidates all your work, you question yourself, I’ve got a one star that’s so invalid and so rude and ugly. But that now I have to laugh at it because everybody else is four and five stars. But we obsess about the one and then it becomes the like the old pest control commercial. If there’s one that you see, there are 1000s that you don’t see. Well, the fact is, that’s the same way about positive people, the one that’s outspoken, there are probably 5000 that are not telling you how great you are, how valid you are, or how, you know XYZ you are. But we tend to magnify the and magnify the invisible audience of the critics, because of the one person that was that had that that toxicity that did speak up. So as a result before we hit publish your post or submit, we have that fear and we let them keep our good work from the world. And that’s tragic. That’s really, really tragic. You know, I don’t remember the exact movie, but it was Bruce Willis. And he said quick, somebody called the way ambulance when you phrase it that way when somebody hurt my feelings. So I’m going to deprive other people of the gospel, or I’m going to deprive other people of this empowerment or these practical steps. What if somebody was afraid of being criticized because they found the key to cancer. And so they didn’t speak up because of the critics and because of Big Pharma and because of the backlash. And so as a result, we had people still dying. I mean, that is it’s a selfish act. We have been gifted. You know, it’s the talent story. I told my best friend recently, I said, who if I never figured you for a digger. He said, What? I said, You’re a digger. You’re digging and hiding that talent. That’s a shame. Hate to hear that, that surprises me. And that’s all I had to say. Because he’s familiar with the story, right? We can either multiply the talents, we can at least invest them and get a small return on the investment, or we can dig and hide and bury them, which does not behoove the master.

Host
Carrie, this is so insightful. And I think there’s some real deep rooted psychology that we’re talking about here that really affects people. I have one random off the wall question that I want to ask you. Those are my favorite as we were wrapping up. But before we do that, where can people go to get a copy of the Barefoot Executive, read more about you, etc, etc.

Carrie Wilkerson
Yeah, so Amazon has my book, the audio version is actually an award winner. So if you’d like to, you know, Southern drawl, I do read it, but you can find it at any major online bookseller. It’s also available in Kindle. My site is Carrie wilkerson.com I spoke carry the way Stephen King spelled it way back in the day the bloody prom queen. I’m there too.

Host
All right. So here’s my last question. This is my random question. What is something that you have changed your mind on recently? In other words, you had A definitive opinion about something, and then something happened to you and you no longer feel the way that you used to feel about whatever that thing was.

Carrie Wilkerson
Hmm, that’s a tough question. Because I probably would have said a couple of years ago that people don’t really change their mind. But I do believe that the core of all personal development is just a matter of changing your mind. So, and this will sound very narcissistic, and selfish, but it is what it is. And I think everybody listening can relate to that. I have just recently changed my mind and decided that I’m beautiful. How’s that? And I know that sounds weird. people that really know my story, know that I’ve lost a ton of weight. When I was in junior high. I remember a day, and I have a great family. I adore my family have all brothers. I asked my mom, Mom, do you think I’m pretty? I was getting out of the car to go into school? Do you think I’m pretty? And she said, Oh my goodness, I wouldn’t give birth to a Warthog. Now get out and go to go into class. Well, that’s not what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I was attractive, I needed to know, every preteen girl needs to know that she’s got some features that are beautiful, or at least that she can work with them. And so, so my whole life, I’ve kind of functioned on the basis of Well, I’m not a warthog, so there’s that. Right. So with that just recently, you know, after losing weight, and then learning how to work with some tools like 120 pounds 140. Now Yeah, I now have lost more than I am. Yeah. And I just had a photo shoot last week. And I’m looking at those photos. And I’m like, wow, they did so good. Look how pretty I look at and the feedback I’m getting is no carry that really is you that really is you you are that person. It’s not just that you’re not a warthog, you are that person. But let me give you another example. My daughter, she’s a musical theater actress. She’s pretty amazing. And she wants to be on Broadway. And she’s always told herself, she was not an athlete. She was an artist, not an athlete. She’s an artist, but she just changed schools. And she decided that being on the cheer team would put her in a leadership position would help her be more visible to new people, and would get her involved in a deeper level. She didn’t just want to be in the crowd and trying to break her weight yet. And so she made a choice to be on the cheer team. She has changed her mind. It’s been phenomenal to watch. Within the last two weeks, she has changed her mind that Yes, she is an athlete, she has started working out, she started eating differently. She started carrying herself differently. You know, her energy is different. It’s been really phenomenal to watch someone change their core belief. And now she’ll say she’s an artist and an athlete. And so those are two examples. But I think we have to sometimes this is an old improv actor trick, but you sometimes have to believe as if before it can ever happen. So the Bible says As a Man Thinketh right as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. And that’s the core of all what people call positive thinking. We have to believe it in order to fulfill it. Because if we don’t believe it, it can never be fulfilled. And even if it is fulfilled, we cannot embrace it. And we sabotage it. Think of lottery winners and people that lose and regain and lose and regain weight or that divorce and they go through that same pattern over and over with the same kind of relationships, we have to believe at first, changing your mind about who you are or who you are, or what you can do or what you can’t do or what you do deserve or don’t deserve. That’s the core of all personal development that leads to any kind of greatness in my opinion.

Host
I love that that is such a powerful thing.

Carrie Wilkerson
The difference it’s made to how my girls believe about themselves has been really eye opening to me, I really am kind of grieving all those years of me being so critical of myself and selfish about what I was modeling. So you know, and it’s also never too late. That’s another thing everybody needs to know it’s never too late. You can change your mind about who you are and who you can be even now.

Host
Well, we wish you the best Carrie Wilkerson, thank you so much.

Carrie Wilkerson
Thanks!